ALAN = TWENTY

ALAN
=
20

Perfect Movie For Children...

...if your children happen to be whores who need convincing to switch careers.
A perfect nightmare. Being somewhat of a nightmare addict myself, I know a little something about them. When I say perfect, I mean, this one was fucking perfect, right down to the peripheral subtleties that are automatically recognised as shared experience. We know what bone sweating nightmares are all about, and obviously recognise them when they happen; you wake up from a nightmare knowing you had one. Except, we usually awaken from nightmares sweating piss and requiring solace; I floated out of Cinema de Parc with a guilty smile and a literary boner that could fuck any monster through a brick wall. This film is uncompromising as a nightmare, captivating as a non-linear partially absurdist narrative, and funny as hell as a movie. Monsters, giant rabbits (or donkeys), time-travelling whores, light bulb sucking hypnotists, auto-voyeuristic perversion- but I won't say too much about it because I don't want to ruin the surprise ending. (Lynch is the master, and Nina is his queen.)

The greatest thing about this movie is its optimism - it shows the audience the brighter side of life. It shows a few scenes of the other stuff too, a bit of violence, some trademark Lynch gore and twist, but the primary message is about the importance of family warmth, the rewards of compassion, and the benefits of putting yourself in other people’s shoes before condemning them to a life of dire whoredom and being stabbed in the gut with the phallic symbol screwdriver you’ve been lugging around in your subconscience since you've been nine years old. But if you want to experience the movie fully, it helps to sneak some greasy store bought chocolate-chip cookies and carrot juice into the cinema to go with your pop-corn.

If you don't enjoy David Lynch movies, don't see this one - you'll just end up complaining that you think he's going soft, and that this one was too predictible and mainstream, and that it is definitely way too short...

If you do like Lynch, as a rule, so do you. Rule.
By the way, Laura Dern is a hip demonic angel whore actress who is perfect in every frame she occupies. She wants me so bad, it's a little bit sad.

Spider-Man 3 = Comic Book Heaven

If the first thing that comes out of your mouth about Spider-Man 3 is negative, that makes you a bitch. Bitch, bitch, bitch. All you really want in a movie is a sounding board for what you consider to be your critical intelligence, when in reality all you are doing is bitching about something that is so close to perfection that your tiny mind can't recogise or handle it, so you bitch. Unless you are not a Spider-Man comic-book fan, or a fan of Sam Raimi, or unless you are clinically blind, or mentally challenged, or were born with a complete lack of imagination, or can't remember what it is like to be a child or even a teenager watching a film, especially one about such an inspiring hero, then there is no excuse to bad-mouth this picture. It is brilliant and comically satirical and metaphorical and visually stunning. I have to go for now, but I'll write more about why you are a bitch later.

I Cried More for This Rat than for my Own Mother and I Find That Kind of Sad, but also, Really Funny, both Funny Peculiar, and Funny, Ha-Ha.